[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
broke down and did it
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food