Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Seek kebab; not attention
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
LOL!
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.