5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
opening twitter today
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING