Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”