I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”