I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Lmaoo 😂