Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
But wait…
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Raisins are grape jerky.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
The glockness monster
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.