GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.