(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You Might Also Like
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.