This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
This hospital has everything
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs