Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
#winning
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something