I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
still the best tweet of the year by far