Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Breaking news:
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.