My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
mmm onion ringos
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.