[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.