Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
how long have you had this for?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.