[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.