My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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Mmmm. Shoeshi
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
They’re really bad with fonts.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Meat Cute
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.