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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’m not proud
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*