(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
what day is it?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.