WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber