In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*