waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it