…u ok Nintendo?
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Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!