[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Story of my life…..
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither