favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
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[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know