If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was