Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
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