Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.