Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?