Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
You Might Also Like
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
rapatouille
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing