An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
whatcha thinkin bout
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
i will avenge u mr van gogh