“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Thursday
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.