God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
You Might Also Like
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
This is my emotional support knife.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes