You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984