[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?