Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
no refunds
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Rooting for the overdog
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.