Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
You Might Also Like
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
HELP 😭
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.