I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
eggs benadryl
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.