had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
At least my masseuse has my back.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!