you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”