Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt