Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
dude it’s called proctologist
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.