My boss called in sick of me
You Might Also Like
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Cinematography is my passion
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.