Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.