ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
an airline just for babies.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.