oh my gosh!!
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Anyone really
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road