When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh