When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Unexpected Judgment
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit