Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Tell the colonel to bring it
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”